last couple of days ever since I took some shit out of my life, I haven't felt like myself. I haven't been happy with anything I have done, and I don't like anything that I am currently doing in life. I don't like how I feel, but right now, thats just how it is.

I think it may be the toxic BS leaving my system, But I have no idea. I sold everything i had left, to make sure that I didn't have anything to fall back on, and it has only been a couple of days. I only did that shit cause I was never really happy with myself, and now that I am off it, I feel as bad as I did back before and of this shit ever happened.

MAJOR EDIT

Having some time to myself, I have had lots to think about. I feel like shit, and I know why. I haven't really gotten over Christie. She was my best friend, we grew up together, did everything together, and when she died, that is when I started doing everything I shouldn't. I did it cause I didn't feel a thing. there was no remorse, no sorrow, and most importantly, no guilt. I wasn't feeling sad, so I could be happy again. Now that I am clean, I feel like shit cause all those things I blocked out, never left me. I feel so responsible for what happened to her, and yet I can't do anything about it. I even wrote a shit story that I left so much out because it killed me to write it. Its no where close to being finished, but I submitted it through simply because it killed me to continue the story. Its all guilt. and this guilt is causing me to go crazy.

EDIT AGAIN!

Kay, the story on what happened.

I have been best friends with a girl named Christie. we grew up together, did everything together. the only reason why we never ended up dating or anything like that cause early on she was un sure about being a lesbian, and as she got into her teens, she had no attraction for guys, but only women.

she had a gf for close to 5 years, as soon as she was sure she was a lesbian, she met Nicole, and they had been together ever since that point.

The night of her death, we were setting up to celebrate Christies birthday. it was only a small party, with a few close friends, and her family. the party was suppose to begin at 8:30, cause she worked till 8, and gave her 10 minutes to get home, and 20 minutes to shower, get changed, etc etc.

shortly after 8: she called nicole, to say I am leaving now, i will be there soon. during the convo Nicoles cell died. Normally she would be home by 8:10-8:15, but she wasn't. Nicole got me to sent her a text asking where she was. she never wrote back. I tried calling, but she never picked up. we wanted her home cause we had spent weeks planning this to be perfect.

8:30 rolled around, and still nothing. no contact to or from her. her parents were flipping out, calling everyone who knew her, asking to see if they had seen her. Nicole was staying with me, although she never said anything, you could tell she was worried. I was kinda worried, but I thought it was just everyone freaking out around me that was causing me to be worried.

9:00 rolled around, her parents were going to call the police, but I convinced them no too. I told them that she wouldn't miss her own birthday. They were really worried cause it wasn't like Christie to not show up and not call. She always was easily contacted cause she loved to talk.

Around 9:10ish the phone rang, and it was the police saying "we found your daughters car wrecked and in the ditch, she was rushed St. Joesph hospital" I got to see the car afterwords, and it was just totaled. windshield was shattered, Driver door was cut off so they could get to her, it was just totaled.

fuck, I don't know anymore, here is a random pic simply because this blog needs some lulz